Beauty Pagaent The Goa'uld
by spacemonkeylover
Summary: The Goa'uld host a Miss Universe contest-Only Gould may apply. PG because of Tok'ra whupping-not too bad. Please review.


Disclaimer: I don't own any of these films: Miss Congeniality, Harvey, and Wizard of Oz. I don't own Stargate or the Goa'uld etc... Awww, I don't own anything.  
  
Authors note: I was watching Miss Congeniality and I thought to myself, wouldn't it be fun to have a Gould beauty pageant-so here it is. It's 2000, it don't care if the Gould present are dead or not Gould yet, there are only like four female Gould so I had to use them. Anyway, there will be other beauty pageants to write about so look out for them. Please review, you aren't allergic to reviewing, it won't do you any damage-honest! My mental state does depend on your reviews-I don't get any-I track you down and sing to you, trust, you don't want to hear me sing-it's very bad-people have been known to go deaf or worse, turn on to watch teletubbies instead!  
  
Beauty Pageant – The Goa'uld.  
  
"An so we reach the finale stage of our every hundred year Miss Universe pageant. Brought to you live from Lord Anubis' mother ship, in association with Chu'lak- your number one Jaffa supplier." The host took a deep breath. "We are down to the finale five contestants who will be showcasing their talents within the next hour."  
  
"Go to a commercial break. You were great Seth, a real pro." The director walked up to the Goa'uld wearing the sparkly purple jacket and pink bow tie.  
  
"Did you think so?" Asked Seth being attacked by make-up artists.  
  
"Oh yeah, much better than Ra last century." The director whispered. He walked away from the freak with glowing eyes and unnaturally deep voice; geeze was he this bad? Only aliens would work with him. "Okay everybody, standby."  
  
"Lights, camera, ACTION!"  
  
"And welcome back to Miss Universe. I'm your host Seth and you will obey me! It's time for the contestants to display their talents. First up we have Anise..." He put a finger to his ear then spoke back into the mike. "I am afraid Anise won't be juggling flaming bunny's tonight, because our sources have just informed us that she is Tok'ra scum. Fortunately for Osiris who's talent is torturing Daniel Jackson – the hated Tau'ri archaeologist, we do not have Dr Jackson so Osiris can use the Tok'ra. Please put your hands together for Osiris..."  
  
The audience erupted into cheers and clapping.  
  
Osiris walked onto the stage wearing a very skimpy outfit followed by a spotlight. Two Jaffa entered from the other side dragging the chained Tok'ra behind them also wearing a very skimpy outfit.  
  
"You can't do this, I deserve to be Miss Universe as much as anyone!" She screamed.  
  
"Silence!" Commanded the Goa'uld formally known as Sarah. Osiris pulled the struggling Anise towards her. "You are indeed pretty Tok'ra. Unfortunately you are not to the Judges liking, therefore I must kill you."  
  
She raised her arm to show the audience the ribbon devise attached to it. They cheered again.  
  
"First tell me your hosts name."  
  
Anise lowered her head and brought it back up again. "I am Freya." Her voice lacked the usual monotone of the Goa'uld. "And I am not ashamed to die by the hand of a Goa'uld. You do not scare me."  
  
"I may not scare you, but I will hurt you." Osiris aimed the ribbon devise at Freya's head.  
  
"NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
The devise burst into life as an orange beam shot into the Tok'ra, knocking her to the floor. The audience cheered and clapped and held up Osiris banners.  
  
Osiris smiled and walked off stage leaving the two Jaffa to drag the limp body off.  
  
"Thank you Osiris, wasn't she brilliant?" Seth asked the cameraman. "Next up is Hathor who will be pole dancing...oh wait...I am having confirmation that Hathor has been disqualified for turning the judges into her love slaves. It seems that most of the Goa'uld contestants have been disqualified or killed, I think that the rules will have to be revised for the next contest or no one will win. Any who, back to the talents; next up, all the way from Abydos-the best slave labour planet at cheap, cheap prices-it's Amounnet doing that walk that all Goddesses would love to master... "  
  
The audience erupted with cheers and claps, again.  
  
Amounnet walks onto the stage wearing, if you could call it an outfit, a piece of strategically placed cloth.  
  
After walking around the stage for a while she exits smiling at the crowd of drooling men.  
  
"What a body on that one, I can see why Apophis chose her." The host winked. "Next up we have Nirti who will be performing magic tricks..."  
  
More cheering from the crowd.  
  
Nirti entered wearing a bit more clothes than Amounnet, but less than Osiris and Anise. She walked to the centre and smirked, the same Jaffa as before entered dragging a cage behind them. In the cage was Anise, she had recovered from the ribbon devise and was screaming at the Jaffa.  
  
"Silence you fool!" Cried Nirti walking over to the cage. She grabbed Anise around the neck through the bars and poured a purple liquid into her mouth. Nirti continued to wave her arms around like a magician until Anise turned into Sandra Bullock.  
  
"It's a scholarship programme!" Sandra said before turning into a six foot white rabbit.  
  
A man from the audience stood up. "Harvey! I knew you'd come back." The woman sitting next to him shoved him in the side and pulled him back into his seat, "Not now Elwood".  
  
The white rabbit turned into Dorothy. "Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore...Toto? Toto? Where's my dog?" The young girl started to cry and turned into a Jaffa.  
  
Nirti turned to the audience and bowed, the audience cheered and clapped some more. Nirti exited taking the now three Jaffa with her.  
  
"Astounding, absolutely amazing! Stay tuned because after the break I will be announcing the winner of the Miss Universe beauty pageant." The red light on the camera went off and Seth sighed.  
  
The director walked over to him and patted him on the shoulder. "Well done, in the next section miss out the question round, all their answers are the same, whatever the question they all answer 'I wish to destroy SG1 and take over the Tau'ri.'"  
  
"Doesn't everyone?"  
  
"Yeah, but if they all say it, it will seem boring. Okay places everyone." He walked back to stand behind the cameras. "5,4,3,2, action!"  
  
"Welcome back, this is the part of the contest where we find out who will be crowned Miss Universe 2000. Please, once again welcome our finale three contenders; Osiris, Amounnet and Nirti..."  
  
Claps, cheers, wolf-whistles...you get the picture.  
  
The Goa'uld glide onto the stage and stand around Seth, all stand in positions were their dresses reveal their legs. A Jaffa walks onto the stage and hands Seth a golden envelope. Seth opens the envelope to a drum role.  
  
"The second runner up is...Nirti!" The audience cheers. Nirti makes a rude gesture at the host, then at the judges. She then tries to attack the other contestants but is restrained by a couple of Jaffa.  
  
"You can't get rid of me that easily!"  
  
"Well done Nirti." The host smiles as she is dragged off stage. "The first runner up is...Amounnet!" The audience cheers again. Amounnet smiles and walks off stage. "Congratulations to Osiris who is 2000s Miss Universe!"  
  
The audience goes wild as she is crowned and given the sash saying, 'Miss Universe 2000".  
  
"Well folks this is Seth saying good bye until 2100. Good night!" 


End file.
